I have a little story and an ego booster. I went to get my taxes done today and was sitting in the waiting room. The tax preparer came in and said (my male name) I got up and walked in with her. When I sat down she said, I thought you were a man, I said, sorry I haven't got my name changed yet. She just laughed and said thats ok.
It made me feel good though that it threw her off that much that I looked like a woman, makes me feel good.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Taxes
Monday, January 28, 2008
My Hair
Well I was trying to go all natural with my hair as far as hair care. Today I used 3\4 cup olive oil and 1 egg, I am not too impressed yet, feels... dirty, I don't know I'll give it some time. As long as my hair don't fall out :/ One reason I am not sure if it was the ingredients or the time I had it in, I had it in for almost double the time they said, i couldn't get in the bathroom to wash it out.
Also I found that if I put olive oil and an egg in my hair and let it soak for half an hour it really did wonders, I loved the results.
Devotion
Devotion
How could I be more devout?
I accepted Jesus as my savior.
I could not fill enough pages or write enough words
That could express my love for Him.
Countless hours I spent begging and pleading for mercy
To turn me into a female…or take these thoughts away.
Continuous prayers sent forth to heal me of this torment!
In Jesus’ holy name.
I studied your Word, helped your children, and loved your people.
Been told that you are Peace.
While my mind was farthest from it.
Years I devoted to you.
I raised my children in your Word.
My marriage built with you as its foundation.
I have prayed for… and witnessed miracles.
My daughter is a testament to that fact.
Yet here I am… after all this time… still ensnared.
Physically I am male
And mentally I am female.
They are still not congruent.
You will always be my God and I will always love you.
Yet I have so many questions that have never received an answer.
I know you love me but why have you left me in the dark?
Why have you chosen to keep my mind and body at odds with one another?
Fighting this, my mind was in constant torment and chaos.
Accepting that I am female has alleviated that.
Only now they are replaced with fear.
Fear of the ignorant people that populate our society.
It has taken me years to accept this blessing.
And yes despite all it has put me through, I consider it a blessing.
What torment must society endure to accept it?
How many will be lost, how many martyrs will there be?
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Feed
I want to thank everyone that reads my posts. I also would like someone from yahoo to let me know that they came here from yahoo 360. I want to see if the feed is working. Or any other way you may have gotten here. Thanks
Friday, January 25, 2008
Julia Serano
If any of you enjoy reading I would recommend reading her book, titled "Whipping Girl"
To simplify it she writes about why transwomen are not accepted in our society. Why femininity is considered contrived and inferior to masculinity. It is really a very good read and thought provoking.
I would recommend it whole heartedly. Also if you want to hear her speak before you spend the money you can go to her website or youtube both of which will provide you with results by typing in her name.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Femininity
I have decided not to care what others care about how much I look or act like a woman. Maybe others do this but I always put unrealistic expectations on myself. Yes I am transgender, yes I have always felt my body and mind were not congruent with one another, but I am not going to submit myself to societies expectations of what it means for a woman to be feminine, I am going to be.
Whether I pass or not, whether I wear a dress or a skirt, how feminine I act should have no bearings on the fact that I am transgender, I am a woman, if society at large can't handle it because of their ignorance than tough.
I am me!!!!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Vacation
Well, I put my vacation in, I am going to go to the Michigan Womyn's Music festival this year, I can't wait. I am trying to find some people here to go with me but haven't yet, I haven't tried to hard yet, no biggie if I don't get anyone though, I will still be there.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Wellness center
I have went to the Wellness Center for almost a year now for laser hair removal on my face and I have to say it is well worth the money. It is expensive but my outlook on myself has improved dramatically. I never look into the mirror and see a shadow any more, I couldn't be happier. If anyone needs hair removal I would highly recommend them or anyone else that does it. I have had no problems with being a Transwoman and going there, they are great.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Michigan Womyn's Music Festival
This year I am going to go to the MWMF they have it every year the only problem is they won't allow me in, why? Because I am not biologically female, you have to be born female, the allow trans-men in but not trans-women very strange. They allow someone who identifies as male in but not someone who Identifies as female, that is really hilarious not to mention sad.
Trans-women have set up a camp outside of the festival in which they try and educate the other women who go to the festival.
August 5-10 are the dates, you don't have to spend the whole week, you can stay as many days as you like, and you don't have to be trans to go just supporters.
September 18, 2007
Hello everyone just wanted to let everyone know what has been happening to me lately. It has been awhile since I have been with someone else romantically, recently I have had someone show more interest in me than usual and she is very persistent, she is also a good friend. I really would like to be with someone but I have a lot of things keeping me from going that route. For one I have been on estrogen for almost a year, give or take a couple of months, I don't expect great things from my male member because of that. Also I haven't been with anyone other than my previous spouse for almost 20 years, also I still love my wife even though she didn't stick it out with me because of my being female minded. Also the thought of using that manliness between my legs, isn’t my idea of a good time. Plus, I work with her, almost daily.
She knows I am Trans, my plans for transitioning, knows the effects of estrogen, all that. Am I not to smart to be with someone who really likes me for me? Sex just isn’t that important to me, am I missing an opportunity?
September 13, 2007 Fort Hakeber
For years my walls have held off invasions
Despite myself the threats still come
I repel one after another, turning back the attacks.
This mighty fortress I have built to protect myself
Never wanting to ally with another again
One betrayal was enough, barely did I survive
Through all my meticulous defense building, I was breeched
One solitary attacker, how?
I was careful; nothing could have gained entrance, but somehow…
Now that I have been breeched I am vulnerable
No more am I alone, what will I do?
Once inside, I have no defense
Slowly the attacker allies with those with in
They seem to not care or notice the danger
I have lost control.
The invader blends with the inhabitants
One day the invader will reappear and cause havoc
How long do I have?
September 12, 2007 The fire site
The fire site
It has been years since they have burned
The cold smoking embers rekindled by a spark
I have tried desperately to keep the flame from being fanned
My own desire for warmth is overwhelming.
Fear has risen in me, what if the fire gets out of control
For twenty years only one person has stoked the fire
It was left abandoned and died
New foot prints are around the fire site.
The smoke is getting thicker
Where there is smoke there is fire
Desperately I try and douse the flame
It still burns
What do the coming nights hold
Will there be light and warmth again?
It is as inviting as it is uninviting
The torture remains.
September 11, 2007
went back to the Transfamily of Cleveland this past weekend and really enjoyed myself. If everyone has the opportunity I would suggest going to meetings like this, they can be very supportive and it gives you a chance to meet others in person. I First went back in 2004 shortly after my wife left and enjoyed it then I just never went back for some reason. I guess I did move to NE but I came back in 10 months I should have been going, oh well.
Also I want to thank everyone who reads my posts, I don't usually write about anything important, but thanks.
God bless
August 28, 2007 Positive thinking
I have always felt that positive thinking is more powerful than negative thinking. I have always been a positive thinker even in the dark times of my separation and then divorce when I had more negative thoughts than normal I still feel I was a more positive person than others. I just re-read this and I hope it doesn't sound like I am coming off as being better than anyone else I am not, if you have read any of my other posts I think you would see that I am not, lol.
Anyway let me get back to the idea I have because I feel I am starting to ramble. I was reading a book on meditation today, I have never read a book on meditation before and as a matter of fact I used to consider it "evil" a whole other post though. Thats what I am doing now though reading a book on meditation, and it was talking about positive and negative thoughts and how they can effect the strength you bring into a situation, not just mentally but physically.
When your mind is flowing with positive thoughts your mind is more prepared to take on the day, thus releases more strength onto your body physically to deal with situations. Negative thoughts equal a defeated attitude; your mind may be thinking what is the point and thus doesn't release much emotional strength to deal with the day.
If you have ever been depressed you will know what I mean, you feel tired and sluggish, not wanting or caring to take on the day or any situations.
If your thoughts are geared towards negative thoughts I encourage you to make an effort to think more positive, I know at first this will be a major effort, but I believe, I mean know it can be done.
This turned into way more of a ramble than I wanted it to, I hope it makes sense to all, if it doesn't please let me know.
August 24, 2007 I Love Them
I Love Them
I miss them already, the three beautiful blessings God has given me
Love for them couldn’t be greater
Over and over I think of them
Vaguely do I recall life without them.
Echoes of their sweet voices in my head
They mean more to me than life itself
How will I get along without them?
Ears never tire of their laughter
My love for them will never die!
RDM
August 22, 2007
Two more days until I take my kids back :( This really sucks, I don't think they can ever know how much I love them. I couldn't have asked for better kids, they rarely talk back, they fight amongst each other a lot but I think all siblings do that.
I always have mixed feelings when they leave I get sad but also I like sometime alone, 3 months is too long though.
any way, I hope you all have a great summer.
God bless
August 18, 2007 Three
My kids leave this week, I am really going to miss them.
Three
Why do so many great things come in threes?
Three Wiseman, three musketeers, three little pigs…
And most of all my three kids
I get them for three months through the summer
Three weeks throughout the rest of the year
Three great birthdays to celebrate
Three sets of gorgeous blue eyes
Three sets of eyes filled with laughter
Three sets of eyes gleaming with joy
Three hungry mouths to feed
Three loud mouths that argue
Three beautiful mouths to tell me “I love you”
Three hearts keeping my babies alive
Three hearts over-flowing with love
Three hearts that touched mine
RDM
August 12, 2007 Love Letter
I just wrote this love letter like 4 months ago to my wife even though we have been separated for 3+ years now. And people ask me why I don't see other people.
I sit here thinking of you, my love. Never will I forget you, your influences on me and my life are immeasurable. Never will I be in love like I was with you, never will you be replaced. Seventeen years we were married, the most wonderful time, I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. I would lie in bed and just look at your sweet face, every part of you I had memorized, how beautiful could one person be? I still am saddened by not being able to see such beauty everyday. You were the mother of my children and you were my life. Nothing would have made me stop loving you, the longer I was with you the more I loved you and the more beautiful you became, I could not imagine another as beautiful as you or as lucky as I. I still consider myself lucky to have been with you, thank you for loving me. Buying you flowers seemed pointless, next to your beauty they were nothing, they wouldn’t have even made a good accessory for you, what could compare?
I know you still love me and I am guessing that you even have regrets about the way things have turned out. I am sorry I wasn’t the right person for you; I know you wanted someone who was not living a lie. I have mixed feelings about this, I am very much saddened by the fact that you left, but at the same time you set a part of me free that I had hidden away. Rebekah wouldn’t be here if not for you, thank you. I know your intent was not to set her free but I could not be more thrilled with it. Although saddened by the loss of you, I could not be happier about the way my life is turning out and the acceptance I have received. How lucky can one person be, able to be themselves and be accepted and to have tasted the sweet essence of your love? I have just come to the realization that I am blessed, I used to think I was cursed but I don’t see that now. I have known the sweetest love imaginable, yours, we have three beautiful children, and I have been blessed with a feminine spirit, which I used to not see as a blessing but with your release I have discovered how great it is.
Thanks for all you have given me; never will I be able to repay you. Thanks for being my wife, my lover, the mother of my children, and my releaser. Thanks for making me the happiest women alive.
I still and always will love you, you were my world. You will never know how much my love for you would have grown, it will never diminish but it will never grow now, can anything be sadder, love like that should have never stopped being fed.
I am sorry hun, I love you and will always be here for you, just ask.
Love forever
Rebekah
May 08, 2007 Angel
Angel
Sliding into a knee length denim skirt
Pink top covering small breasts
Painted eyes, painted lips
Hair laying in curls
Ready for the night
----------------------------------------------------
Looking in the mirror
Seeing an angel
Turning around and looking at the back
Making sure everything is in place
Posing and primping
Everything has to be perfect
The night with friends is at hand
----------------------------------------------------------
Despite what it seems
Clothes and make up can’t change
Outwardly the parts are still there
Inwardly, is the girl wanting out
Acceptance is the key
April 29, 2007
I had my 3rd electrolysis last week, she has told me that light colored hair follicles don't get effected through the procedure, I don't have a 5 o'clock shadow anymore, I can let it go 2 days now before you can tell I have a beard but I still need to shave. But since my remaining hairs are light does that mean that the remaining appointments are going to be pointless? That is really going to be disappointing if that is the case.
April 15, 2007 The restrooms
Hello everyone, sorry for the long leave. But I have been having a great time as of late. I can't remember being this happy in a long time. I also want to thank all the people I have chatted with on yahoo; you all really helped me through a tough time, thanks.
I have been on hormones for 7 months or so and am seeing changes, not as much as I like but they are very evident. I was kind of starting to think that I would never be able to pass as female, but last week when I was on my way back from West Virginia, I stopped in a rest area and went to the men’s room, as I was done and ready to walk out a man came, stopped in his tracks and looked again at the opened door to make sure he was in the right restroom. He came in once he realized he was in the right one, but I absolutely loved that, even while being in a men’s restroom I had him a tad confused. Later that day I was over a very good friend’s house, she was having an Easter dinner; she had around 25 people over. A little girl was talking to me than left and went to her mom and asked her what was wrong with that ladies voice, poor girl.
I have another story but I wanted to break up the paragraph.
I was in a bar in
Now I know I may have just had an great week, I know there is still rejection out there, but in my eyes this is progress, I have only been transitioning for 7 months and already I am making progress in the way I look and being accepted.
I am absolutely loving my life!
Thank you Lord!
February 19, 2007
Hello everyone, I haven't been on in awhile. I am in the middle of a move plus my computer is having problems. I hope to get the rest of the stuff moved today or tomorrow, I was thinking of taking today off. I moved in with my dad and I need to do a lot of cleaning there.
Dads place is out in the country and my oldest son isn't very happy because it is farther from his girl friend. We all go to town everyday; he will not have a shortage of ways to get there. He can always walk it will only be 4 miles, I used to walk to up hill too school .....both ways...... and in the snow, phht he thinks he has it tough :)
January 18, 2007
I got some news last night that I would have preferred not to get. They are selling the property I am on so I have to be out in a month.
Just as I was getting used to be alone, I will probably have to be back in with my sister and her family. That isn't bad just I liked it by myself.
I don't think I can find one with in a month, that is to quick for me.
January 15, 2007
I was at the pet store the other day, waiting to buy some angle fish, an older gentleman was there also waiting. The employee came and asked who was next and he said I believe the girl was next, pointing at me, I loved it. Maybe when he looked at me better he realized that I... am not there yet, but he never showed that he knew or cared.
Sometimes I start getting depressed thinking I will never be able to pass, maybe I will be able too, if I could just fix my voice.
January 05, 2007
Please don't think I am trying to put another group down because I am not, but I have read different stories that say Trans people are less accepted that other groups. Does anyone else out there see this? The only reason I would think Trans people would get more of a hassle is because their difference is right out there for everyone to see. Unlike other groups where they can hide theirs from their peers and still be accepted, and even if they don't hide it others really don't see it every day. But someone who is transgender, you will see it every time they talk to someone, from what I have seen not all trainwomen can blend well into society, me being one of them; at least so far, I admit my journey is still young.
Anyway I hope no one thinks I was bashing or putting others down because that isn't my intentions.
Bye and God bless you all!
January 02, 2007
Hello everyone, sorry I haven't been on in awhile, I have been pretty bust lately but I think that is going to slow now that the holidays are over. I just took my kids back to there moms yesterday, it is amazing every time I talk to her, we almost always talk and laugh like nothing was ever wrong, it just amazes me. I guess I always pictured divorce couples arguing when they are together not acting like they have been best friends for years, not that i want to fight, I love getting along with her, it just doesn't seem right.
Lately, well the last couple of days I all of a sudden feel scared, I am scared of my future, I am scared of transitioning, in the last day or so I have become depressed, where last week everything was great, I can't figure out why the flip-flop in emotions and the attitude. Does this mean I am having second thoughts on things? ... No I don't believe that is the case, I still believe that I was born in the wrong body.. I am just scared.
December 05, 2006
Hello all!
I know I haven't written in awhile. I am doing well, better than I thought actually. Thanks Helen for checking on me that spurred me into writing again, or at least looking at my site.
I rescheduled my endo appointment, it is on the 13 and I also ran out of my spironolactone, blocks the production of testosterone, I can't believe I ran out. If I had not missed y appointment last time. I guess that’s what I get for being so absent-minded.
I want to thank my God and Goddess for my life again, I had never in my wildest dreams ever expected to be this accepted by my friends and family. I know so many trans people loose everything, but with the exception of my wife, I have been pretty lucky in that regards. Thank you.
Goddess lay your compassion on the hearts of us all this Christmas, if we know someone in our lives that doesn't have anywhere to go, please put in our hearts to invite them, and keep us all safe. God thank you for all your blessings and protection in our lives, help us to learn from any mistakes we made and not to blame others for our short comings. Amen
See you all later, love you all!
November 26, 2006
I just got a call from my wife and we were talking about the divorce that takes place in two days, I started crying. I can tell I am going to be in real bad shape come Tuesday. In some ways I am happy in others... very sad. It was a very beautiful time in my life that I wouldn't trade for nothing. I loved being with her and I am very thankful for the kids that I have been blessed with. She says she can't see why I am so sad, that it was something I wanted, I never wanted to separate from my wife, I loved her more than anything. I never wanted to be Transgender, but I am, and I am still under the impression that she still thinks it is a choice. There is no way in the world I would have given up the love of my life for anything, there she is terribly mistaken. Sorry, whew I can't stop crying even now.
I love you Teresa, forever.
November 21, 2006
Hello everyone, sorry I haven't been on in awhile, my kids are down and I don't get on much when they are here. I will try and get on with people and IM at least for a little bit, OK Tyg :)
This conversation me and my two boys had on the way to a friends house was hilarious. We were driving and somehow Nathan started talking about not having a thumb, he said thay wouldn't be to bad. Chris the oldest said have you ever tried picking anything up with out using your thumb. So Chris layed a quarter on the divider between the seats and said pick this up without your thumb. So Nathan puts his hand down on the quarter and and folds his fingers underneath his hand and picks up the quarter and flips his hand over with the quarter inside, Chris said "who picks up a quarter that way"! Nathan said, people without a thumb", Chris said, "you have a thumb", Nathan said, " you said I didn't!", By that time I was laughing so hard I could hardly drive, they were laughing just as hard.
I know you just had to be there, but whew, that was funny.
November 12 2006
Finally yesterday we got a Tava meeting going, once we make some by-laws and suchand pay the to make it a non-profit org we willbe good to go, Hopefully it will begain to grow. TAVA stands for Transgendered American Veterans Association and you don't need to be a veteran to join, just someone who supports Trans-vets. It will be nice getting this going because I am sure there are other vets out there who are trans, and the ability to be able to talk with others like yourself is a real help.
Nathan my second oldest asked if he can come and stay with me, it was Chris now it is Nay, poor Teresa isn't going to be happy about this. I sent her an e-mail about nay because he wanted me to ask her about it, nothing back yet. I would call her but I don't have a phone yet.
Anyway see you all later. xxxxx
November 07, 2006
Well I did it, I cast my vote today. I voted against the way I voted for the last 14 years and I feel pretty good about it. I am tired of the Republicans thinking they know what is good for us, plus I have been voting against transgender issues for the same amount of time. Once I started accepting myself I slowly started changing my views.
Thank you Goddess for helping me see myself for who I am and not what others think I should be.
November 06, 2006
Ronnie you are right, I am in charge of my happiness and my situation, mostly. After I got to work though, I had a friend tell me that her oldest son seen me walking and thought I was a women from behind. He also said that, he isn't gay, but I have a nice ass :) She said I hope this doesn't upset you, no, made my day!
I can't believe I let that bother me so much yesterday, sorry all.
November 05, 2006
I shouldn't kid myself; I am always going to be laughed at, never fitting in. It's amazing how fast someone can fall back into depression; I was just starting to feel good about myself. Not that I thought I could pass, I just felt good, I have great friends, family, and kids, again I am wondering why I had to get this gift.
Am I going to be miserable the rest of my life? Maybe that is up to me, it sure doesn't feel like it. Happiness seems like a distant planet with no hope of reaching, just dream about.
November 05, 2006
Well, I went to IGA today and had two teenage girls laugh at me, lol. You would think I would be used to this wouldn't you. I didn't even have anything on that would have been overly feminine. They were out in the parking lot, that is where I noticed that they laughed at me first, then as I was walking around they followed me in and I noticed they seen me again and laughed again.
It is amazing at how discouraging this is, I just feel like laying and crying.
November 1, 2006
Hey all! I was packing things in my old place and ran across some poems I wrote shortly after Teresa left. So the will still have the sound of me hanging on to her, even though now I am glad I have accepted this part of me, I still deeply love my wife. You will also in a couple of my poems notice I had a very different feel for being transgender at the time, I seen it as a sin. Now I know better.
Love
Love is a force that is unbreakable
It can be stretched and tested to almost unbearable
Love knows when others hurts
Love comforts in times of need
Love shares others pain
Love has away of taking it away
Love is the greatest gift of all
Covering any transgressions
God has given this force for one reason
To overcome Satan in any season
If love is found hang on to it tightly
Because the enemy will attack it unceasingly and mightily
The enemy can’t stand against such power
So he attacks from a different position
If you are strong in God’s word the enemy can be resisted
But if you are not everything will be twisted
Love can’t be counterfeited, stolen or invented
Love is work and takes lots of commitment
But once it is in place there can be no denying
Love is the force that keeps us from dying
October 31, 2006
Sadly, yesterday when I was going outside the kitten ran out the door and I was unable to stop him. I hope he is ok out on his own. I never even got to name him, I thought about killer for a name, since he tore me to pieces. I guess it doesn't matter now. I don't know if I will get another or not, might not be able to handle that one either.
October 29, 2006
Hi all, I haven't posted since I got my kitten... things aren't going well, the think is a wild cat not a kitten. I tried keeping him in the bathroom so I could catch him easy and hold him and such, but he got out. I have been unable to catch him since, well I did catch him once and found that to be a bad idea, he tore me to pieces, now I can't catch him at all. He hides in the walls or somewhere and I can never find him. I was sitting in the living room today and he ran past me into the kitchen and disappeared, grrr. I don’t think he is trainable.
I don't know what else to do. I have been thinking if I am able to get a hold of him now I would take him back to the farm and leave him with the farmer. I don't know.
October 27, 2006
Well, I went and got me a companion, he is sooo cute. I don't have a name yet but it will have to be something wild, because he is. I got him from an Amish farm here in
October 26, 2006
bluenellie you helped me make a decision that I was pondering, whether or not I should get a kitten, even though I am wanting to get fish for my tank, lets face it they really aren't that cuddly, you can't really play with them, hold them, just look at them. But a kitten would be a lot more immersive. Now I just have to find one I think will fit with me.
I just discovered something, that when I am lonely, I eat. I have been by myself for about 1 month and I am realizing that I have nothing to do. There is no one to talk to, no one to joke with, fight with... just me, and I can't really joke with myself because I already know the punch-line.
I wondered how long it was going to take me before I got lonely, didn't take long. I was with people for the last 17 years and now... nothing. Since I don't have a phone I can't just call anyone, I don't have a vehicle so that takes out going to see people.
I am sorry I didn't mean this to be a feel sorry for Becky post, I was just trying to fill in this empty time lol.
I thought about getting a bigger place with a room-mate but I don't think that would go well, I am OK with friends but room-mates? I don't know.
LOL pretty picky aren't I. People have told me that I would eventually get lonely and I would have to find someone to spend my life with, I always told them that just having friends would be enough, maybe they were right...
October 25, 2006
Well today is a sad day, Mikey finally passed away today, I cried the night before. I have never known anyone with such a great attitude, he was always in so much pain but seldom was he ever grouchy or mean, sometimes he was but I think that is understandable. He is going to be missed, he was a real charmer that's for sure. He would sing to the employees, and a couple of times he did call me doll, you have to love him :)
Bye Mikey, we will miss you.
October 24, 2006
I just realized I am being torn here on how to vote this coming election. Normally I am a conservative person and voter, but there is a candidate that is running for the
I thought this was kind of funny because they say as you get older you vote more conservative, apparently I am, yet again, the exception.
October 23, 2006
I was looking on TygariMew 360 site, she was writing about getting whistled at, my first reaction if I was whistled at would be proud that somebody thought I was worth whistling at. But after I started thinking I have been whistled at before, believe it or not, and I didn't feel proud I felt afraid, were they mocking me, were they going to cause trouble, automatically I went on the defensive and I wanted to get away from where I was.
It is ashamed that we have to live in such fear that we can't even be ourselves. Always thinking that people are out to get you or if for whatever reason you are discovered to not be exactly what someone perceived you as being. Maybe others don't experience that but I do.
October 23, 2006
I watched a show on WE.TV or women entertainment television. They had a program about women who were married to crossdressers, I knew I shouldn't have watched it but I did anyway. I started crying almost as soon as the show started, all the people they talked with stayed together and seemed to be very happy with each other.
I used to consider myself as a crossdresser when I was married but after my wife left I realized I was more than that, just dressing up wasn't going to be enough. The old feelings returned that I was in the wrong body emerged again and this time I was going to do something about it.
Seeing these wives and girlfriends accept the people they love was amazing to me, my wife never came close to accepting me and made it clear that I was a freak and a sinner. It makes me wonder if I would have been with a women who would have accepted me just dressing up would I have been content with that or eventually would I have wanted more, like I am pursuing now?
I was so in love with her that I would do anything for her, I just couldn't control the thing that she wanted me too, crossdressing. In her eyes I didn't love her enough to stop, that couldn't be farther from the truth, I loved her more than my life.
I know she loved everything about me, she just couldn't get by the dressing, even though she never seen me dressed, she just knew it was there. Please don't think I am bashing my wife because that is not my intentions, I love her still more than anything and would still give my life for her.
I believe in her non-acceptance she is missing out on a great spouse, I know I wasn't the great Mr. fix-it, I wasn't overly macho, thank God. But I am a great father, I was always there for my kids, I would play with them, I disciplined them, I helped with their school work, I loved them, regardless. I consider myself compassionate, romantic, loving, and loyal, if she would have let Rebekah be more open she would have been over-whelmed with what I had to offer.
I hope nobody thinks I am patting my own back, I have spent a majority of my life since she left beating myself up. I have to find something I can be proud of, that I didn't fail her, she failed herself by not being accepting of me and loving me.
Thanks for listening :)
October 22, 2006
Well, I am back and I loved it. I got to dress as a fairy for a party and I loved it... everyone else seemed to also. I posted some pics on my site so feel free to look. I even got to play battle of the sexes on the women’s side :) thank you!
I would like to thank my sis for putting it all together, she did a great job on the outfit, also Trina for doing my make-up and all my friends for their support, you are all great.
LOL it sounds like a miss America speech :)
Also I had a story to tell about earlier in the day. As most know if you have read previous posts, Dad doesn't know about me, or at least I never officially told him. Well I should have such a hard time deciding now because when my sister was taking my pics dad came. He got out of his car and stared at me for a moment and said "well you should come in first" I must have laughed for 15 minutes, after he left that is.
Oh well that was great :)
October 17, 2006
The only person that I haven’t told about my gender identity is my father. Will he understand? Reject me? Disown me? I don’t know, he deserves for me to tell him. I feel like I am disappointing him, his oldest “son” doesn’t want to be his son but his daughter. If only he will understand that I am not doing this to hurt him, I am doing it because it will make me more complete.
I have been living a lie for all this time, never happy, never complete, always hiding. I hope he will understand I need to do this, for myself, not to humiliate him or our family.
Dad please understand that I love you and would never intentionally hurt you or my family. Please understand that I have been living a lie, I will not be happy until it is resolved. You did nothing wrong in raising me, it is just the way I was born, please understand it is nobodies fault, it just happened. I love you dad.
Love your daughter
Rebekah
October 17, 2006
I go through periods, where nothing is happening fast enough. It seems like my life is wasting away and I am still stuck in this male body. I wish this thing between my legs was gone, I know it takes time and money for this but I get really impatient, I have been waiting a long time for this, it just isn’t moving fast enough.
One thing that I have done is not wear any male clothes in the last month, it has been such a great help to have such supporting friends, they are all great.
October 15, 2006
I don't know if I mentioned it in here before or not, but I work in a nursing home. I get pretty attached to people and there is a guy there who is really going down fast, he has cancer and is really taken a toll lately. I am going to be so sad when he passes, he is probably one of my favorites. He is a WW2 ace he said he flew p47's, he was also a engineer. Even when he is in pain he always seems nice to everyone, I mean I have seen him get aggressive towards us but I don't hold that against him at all, not for all he has had happen to him.
He is a great man and I am very honored to have gotten to know him, I only wish I would have know him sooner.
Love you Mikey
October 11, 2006
I am so happy today, I finished my head piece for my costume it is sooo pretty. The closer it came to completion the more giddy I became. When I put it on my head I started crying and continue to even writing this. It is so pretty, for th e life of me I can't figure out why I am crying, they are tears of joy but why. I hope I am not building myself up to high for this event even though it is just a costume party. I don't know what I am expecting but I pray that I am not disappointed.
I am so happy today, I finished my head piece for my costume it is sooo pretty. The closer it came to completion the more giddy I became. When I put it on my head I started crying and continue to even writing this. It is so pretty, for th e life of me I can't figure out why I am crying, they are tears of joy but why. I hope I am not building myself up to high for this event even though it is just a costume party. I don't know what I am expecting but I pray that I am not disappointed.
October 08, 2006
Today I was over my sisters and discovered something I didn't know I would love doing, sewing. I helped her pin the fabric for my costume and then cut them out. Now all that is left is sewing it together, granted I haven't really done any sewing yet, but I still loved the process. Seeing my own costume come into being from separate pieces of fabric is pretty awesome.
On a side not, I am starting to see breast enlargement, granted it isn’t large but if I have something tight on I can see them:) I am sooo excited.
October 05, 2006
Hey everyone, I am still moving into my place, it is soooo much better than living with my sis. Not that we had a bad time it is just nice to have my own place, my own stuff. I am invited to a Halloween party and I have picked out my costume, I have decided to go as a fairy. If anyone at work doesn't know about me now they soon will, because I am sure it will spread. I am sooo excited about this I can hardly contain my enthusiasm; you don't know how long it has been since I wanted to do this. I will post a pic when I get them in.
See you all :)
September 26, 2006
AS I have said in previous posts I really love art, any kind really. Here is a site I found that has took a lot of care in collecting art from around the world, sorted by name and school of art. Great site!
September 23, 2006
I got a call today from my wife and she was crying, she thinks she may have cervical cancer. Despite the fact that we are separated, I would never want this for her, I really feel sad for her. If any of you out there can keep her in their prayers that would be great. I am going to say a prayer now for her, feel free to agree with me in praying for her.
Lord, I lift Teresa up to you and ask that you lay your healing hand on her, I know you love her and care for her well-being. I pray that the test she takes come back clear Lord that you have healed her and she is clean of any sickness. Guide the doctors and thank you for the knowledge that you have blessed them with.
Thank you for your love for us Lord, in the name of Jesus I pray, Amen
I am sooo sad now, can't stop crying. She never deserved this, she seems to think that it is a payback from things she has done. God loves her and never wishes anything bad to happen to His children. Please heal her Lord.
September 17, 2006
Now I have accepted the fact that i am female, but I still wonder what went wrong in the womb to cause me to be born this way. Now maybe some of you think I think to much on this as I do with religious matters, it is something that still causes me to do a lot of research and thought. I read somewhere that some sort of distress to the mother during pregnancy at the time when hormones are being pumped into the unborn child may be the reason that the child didn't form to match his or her body. (whew that was a long sentance) I am planning on asking my dad and an aunt to see if my mom was under any sort of stress while she was pregnant for me and my brother, just out of curiosity.
Regardless I am proud of who I am.
September 16, 2006
My biggest fear after I accepted Jesus was that he would never accept me the way I am. Yes, I was born into sin and couldn't be accepted that way, I mean as someone who is transgender. It took me along time to accept who I am, occasionally I still struggle, but I have realized what God has given me. What I have is a gift and a special perception of both genders, their positives and negatives and how they relate to each other.
I think the church as a whole is condemning a part of their body which could be very beneficial to the church community. Jesus loves us and accepts us as who we are, I believe the church will eventually come around, some already have.
Prayer
Lord I thank you for who I am, thank you for making me and loving me. I pray Lord that you fill me with love and compassion for others and be slow to judge them. Help me to see you in them Lord, help me to meet their needs that I am able to Lord. Let your love flow through me. Use me In whatever way you see fit. Help me to touch your people and be a blessing to them.
Jesus thank you for your love for me, you are awesome. I love you Lord
Amen
Love your daughter.
Rebekah
September 14, 2006
Well today is my Nathan’s Birthday, happy birthday Nay.
All my kids are great but Nathan is the most unusual and I absolutely love that about him and he doesn't care what others think, he is great. For his Birthday he wants me to buy him a cloak, like the Jedi’s on Star Wars wear, I bought the stuff for it and my sister is making it for him, he is going to love it. It prolly won't be done by this weekend but I will just send it to him in
September 13, 2006
Well, I have been on hormones for a little over a month, well the synthetic ones anyway, I was on herbal ones for about 6-8 months prior with little results. Right now I am experiencing sore breasts, and it doesn’t bother me at all, just reminds me of what is going on :)
I am still so excited of what is in store for me barring anything life threatening, I can't wait for my SRS date, once I make it the time will probably drag. I want to thank all the post- op girls out there who have inspired me, you all are great.
September 11, 2006
I am sooo excited, today I found out I would be getting my own place. That may not be a big deal to most people but it will be the first time I have been on my own since before I was married 17 years ago. I am both thrilled and nervous about this, thrilled because I will be on my own finally and nervous\scared because I am afraid I will be lonely. I have had people with me for 17+ years; I am not sure how I am going to handle it.
I bought a couple little things to put init, some scones and a cute wooden bowl that sits on a pedestal, it is soooo cute :)
September 04, 2006
Another thing I have been thinking about is when Christianity was first being formed 200-300 AD it was copied into 400 languages, by sometime it the mid 300's it was copied only in one language, why? It was to keep the common folk stupid, to make themselves more powerful. Besides the down-fall of
If you take a look at history once the bible started to be printed in other languages that is the time literacy started to rise, why is that you ask? Because people wanted to be able to read and learn the bible in their language, not in some dead language that they would never use.
And over that 1000 year period when not many were able to read and understand Latin. It was being translated over and over, usually at a cost of accuracy. Most scribes who copied it couldn't read Latin and wouldn't know if they were making a mistake or not, they couldn't proof read it. I am sure mixing symbols and not fully understanding what they were writing resulted in mistakes. Back then it was a very tedious process to copy anything it was all done by hand.
I know it may look like I am bashing the Bible but that is not my intent, I really and truly love Jesus and the Bible. But I think just as we have realized that there were mistakes made in copying it by humans, there could have been other mistakes as well.
I am not trying to bash here nor am I trying to get bashed, I know religion is a very sensitive area. I was merely writing what I was thinking, so I implore you, if you are going to reply... be easy. :)
September 04, 2006
Normally I don't ever look at astrology but the times that I do I am usually surprised at it's accuracy or it's perceived accuracy, as you can tell i still have doubts. But anyways I was looking at relationships for Pisces with an Aquarian, which happens to be what my wife is or was. Anyway I was reading and it said eventually an Aquarian will start to look around for others if they feel confined or trapped or smothered whatever you want to call it, which Pisces tend to do. Now I know my wife left because of my gender identity, but at the time she left I wasn't really doing anything to express it, to much. I was letting my hair grow and I was letting my nails grow a bit but nothing really over the top. She left knowing that I struggled with it, could she have been using that as an excuse to wander?
I have thought about this before but after reading this, it only adds to my suspicions on why she left 
September 02, 2006
Hey all, I just woke, I went to bed at around 8 am (work nights) and slept until 8:30 pm. since I have been on hormones I have been really fatigued and sleeping a lot, I feel like I am a teenager again, I slept a lot when I was a teen. I slept about the whole time I was home and now it is time for work again, nice huh? :)
Is my metabolism slowing is that why, or is it like when I was younger my body is changing so I need more sleep? Does anyone else have this problem?
Everyone have a great day.
It is a sad day for everyone that loved the Crocodile Hunter, he died in a run in with a sting ray. There have only been 3 deaths in
September 02, 2006
Hey all, I just woke, I went to bed at around 8 am (work nights) and slept until 8:30 pm. since I have been on hormones I have been really fatigued and sleeping a lot, I feel like I am a teenager again, I slept a lot when I was a teen. I slept about the whole time I was home and now it is time for work again, nice huh? :)
Is my metabolism slowing is that why, or is it like when I was younger my body is changing so I need more sleep? Does anyone else have this problem?
Everyone have a great day.
August 30, 2006
Hello all, I have been extremely thirsty lately, I was kind of expecting that but not this bad, I have also been going to the restroom more. At work last night I must have went 6 times.
I have also been really tired that I believe is also a side effect from the meds I am taking. I know my metabolism is supposed to slow, I am sure that will cause me to be more tired.
I can handle all these I just pray that I don't get anything serious, please Lord protect me.
August 26, 2006
How is everyone today, I hope well. This morning I woke and found my PJ's slightly wet around my nipple, but it wasn't a lot, I didn't expect to lactate this fast if that is indeed what it is, none the less I was very excited.
Could it have been my imagination?
I am skeptical on weather or not I was lactating, it hasn't happened any more today. I don't think it would just happen in my sleep, maybe it was something else, I don’t' know.
Maybe I want something to happen so bad I am imagining it. Who knows:)
Also I just noticed this is my hundredth post, yeah, thank you all for reading :)
August 22, 2006
I posted earlier this link here: http://www.chet-plasticsurgery.com/
I was looking around on there and noticed they have pics there of the job they do, I am really impressed, they do a really nice job, it would be well worth the money, I am sooo excited :)
And the requirements don't seem as strict as in the
August 22, 2006
I took my kids back yesterday, for some reason I am not as sad as usual, I am not sure why, maybe it was because I had them for the whole summer. I miss them, but I usually cry when I take them, back or at least feel really sad. Maybe I am just getting used to the situation, I don't know.
I was asked today when I do transition will I have the desire to experiment with guys, you know try it out, and I believe I will. Although the thought of being with a guy right now with my current body I find repulsive. When I do get my body aligned, I am sure my tune will change.
August 19, 2006
I was looking back through my previous blogs and I believe I am coming to terms with this. I went from fighting with myself to ready to transition with no doubts now. I am not sure when and where my mind changed but I am glad that the denial or fighting is over.
Now nothing is moving fast enough:)
Never satisfied
August 19, 2006
http://www.chet-plasticsurgery.com/
I think I am going to go with this Dr. He seens kind of lax on the Real life experience. The lady that I am talking to said he does a really great job.
I always thought the Real life experience was stupid anyway, I mean how can someone expect you to pass if your thoughts are always wondering if anything is protruding, I mean I do that all the time now and I am not even trying to pass. I e-mailed the lady I know that had it done I am waiting on a response to see if I understood her correctly.
August 18, 2006
Well last week when I posted that my son was hit by a jaguar, I found out today that they want me to pay for the 1450 repair bill, geez yeah like I have that laying around, sooo they said I could make monthly payments, great someone else that want s money, it seems like I am never going to be able save any money. I guess they can get in line, why not I have quite an assortment of collectors inline, might as well add a couple of more, lol.
August 17, 2006
Hey everyone, I just woke up feeling pretty good today. I am waiting on a friend to call so we can take the kids to a park. It is really nice having friends around that accept me for me, which really surprises me because of the area I live in. Holmes county Ohio is a very conservative place, being that it is one the largest Amish communities in the world. All my friends accept me and love me, I guess the biggest test would be strangers, sometimes I do get odd looks and I am sure people make fun of me behind my back but I guess that is expected.
Lori you have become my idol, I want to be just like you, you seem perfect in everyway, great job girl :)
August 15, 2006
I was looking at Lori and she is amazing, maybe I haven't been around and seen many people transition, but she really looks great. I would be thrilled to look half as good as she does after my transition.
She is an inspiration to me, at least I know that there is a possibility that I can pass. I love reading her testimony and only makes me want to go through with it that much more.
Thanks Lori and God bless
August 15, 2006
I watched a great movie yesterday called Transamerica. It is about a lady who is about to have her SRS but finds out she has a son and she has to go bail him out They then proceed to journey a crossed the country learning about themselves and each other.
I thought the actress did a great job and really loved the movie.
Also I started my hormones yesterday, 2.5 mg premarin\day and spironolactone 100mg. Is this and average dose, anyone out there know?
Thanks for reading
August 12, 2006
One thing I have been noticing is, the more I accept who I am the less I am interested in the fantasy side of being transgender. I used to thrive on fiction sites but now I hardly ever frequent those places.
Has anyone else came to that conclusion? It could be just me, I know everyone isn't the same. Well see everyone later, thanks for visiting.
Rebekah
You know something I think about is when and after I transition what my kids should call me, Mom or Dad? I don't think I really care, I would prefer mom but it really doesn't matter to me. I am happy just with he fact that they still accept me.
August 10, 2006 Hormones
I went to the V.A. yesterday and the endo decided that they would help me get hormones, yeah! I haven't got them yet, they are coming via snail-mail. I don't remember the doses but I am on Premarin and spironolactone , and Vaniqa, it is topical that I put on my face and is supposed to stop hair-growth :)
I can't wait to get this stuff; finally, I wish I could get something that would keep the hair on my head on my head.
August 06, 2006
I submitted 3 poems today on poets.com, you can post it on there and others can critique it for you or praise it. I have always wanted to find a place to put some poems and have others look at it and see what they think of it. They have all been good reviews so far.
Well see you all later. Thanks for visiting.
Rebekah
August 04, 2006 Divorce Papers
Well I got my divorce papers yesterday, my wife warned me of a paragraph which she checked because she thought she didn't have enough of a reason to get a divorce. The part she checked made me really sad, because it is like opposite of my whole character, she checked:
The respondent (me) has inflicted cruel and inhuman treatment on the petitioner (her), which has destroyed or tended to destroy the mental and physical well being of the petitioner, and which renders continual cohabitation with the respondent unsafe and unendurable.
She said she based the check on the last word, unendurable, she just couldn't deal with me being the way I am. OK, that’s fine but why not check the box below that says other and write in Transgender that would be a lot better to me than making me seem like a monster.
I am sure there are exceptions and she probably remembers times but I can not remember a time when I as so much degraded her, I was always trying to build her up, a day never passed when I didn’t tell her I love her, tell her she is beautiful, never, then she goes and checks a box like that.
She said she didn’t mean it that way, she said when the hearing comes up we can say that there was a mistake there, still that just makes me very upset.July 30, 2006
We just had our annual corn roast at my "adopted" families place. We had around 40 or so people there, we had a great time. It was also their 40 anniversary I am so happy for them, they are great people, I am glad I got to know them. I love their family. There is always a big mess the day after; it's a good thing we have all those kids to help clean up :)
July 28, 2006 Prayer
Lord I just realized how long it has been since I have wrote to you, I am so sorry.
I thank you Lord for my being able to see my kids this summer, I am so grateful. I couldn't be a prouder parent. Also I have noticed that Teresa and I have been talking more, it makes me miss her even more, Lord it has been 2 years 2 months and 11 days (sad I know ), but when am I going to get over her? I would still give my life for her, you would think I would be done crying over her, but nooo. Lord I want you to be the dominate thing in my life, help me to focus more on you than anything, I love you so much. Thank you for putting people in my life that I can talk to, friends that still love me, I don't know if I could have made it this far Lord with out them.
I love you Lord, let my life be a blessing to you and let your compassion and love flow from me to touch your children, let it not glorify me but you.
I love you Lord, love your daughter
Rebekah
July 28, 2006
Hello everyone, it has been sometime since I have posted anything here, I am very sorry for that. With my kids down I haven't been here much.
I have been going to my V.A. appointments in
May 20, 2006
Lord I don't know what reason you put Trina in my life but I don't want to fall in love with her, just friend love or sister love nothing more please. You know my prayer about this, please answer it Lord. I don't want to hurt anyone again Lord, please deliver me from falling in love with her more than a friend.
She told me I have too nice of a personality not to ever be with anyone again, she may be right in that aspect, there is another part I just realized or at least just admitted to and that is I think I need someone in my life to share my life with. If that is the case Lord how is that going to work, regardless of who I fall in love with I am getting the surgery I need to make me feel complete. If it is in your will for me to fall in love then I know you will supply that person.
May 18, 2006 Trina
It is funny how I notice things all of a sudden, like yesterday when I was shaving I noticed my hairs on my belly and legs seem to be coming in thinner. I don't mean farther apart, I mean they seem a lot finner. Another thing to help me feel good. Sometimes these hormones don't seem to work but I do see results, thank God.
The other day I went out with someone from work her name is Trina, she is really a great person, I already told her about me, that is mainly what we talked about, talked about other things as well. She is so smart, I love talking with her, I can tell she is going to be a real friend, I am so blessed with an abundance of them, another thing to thank my God for.
After I went home from taking her out, I cried, I am not sure why.
April 17, 2006
I took my kids back today, I love them so much I hate to see them leave, my prayer is they will act just like me ;)
I was looking in the mirror the other day and I was bent over doing something to my hair and I noticed, get ready, breasts! I know they are little right now but they are there, I was soooo excited, I had never felt that good in my life, at least it's been awhile. You can't see them much if I am standing normally but they will get there.
April 03, 2006
Hello everyone and thanks for visiting.
I don't know whether this is from the hormones or not but I really feel bloated and gaseous lately. I haven't changed my diet that much so I wouldn't think that would be it. I get my kids this weekend; I can't wait, if I do say so they are the best.
This makes me think of a time my dad went to the doctor and he told the doctor that he was bloating and the doctor checked him over and said "no your just eating to much" lol My mom laughed like crazy. Maybe that's what’s happening to me
March 27, 2006
Hello everyone, spring is officially here but you can't tell yet, still freezing here in
I haven't been posting much recently I am n0t sure why, maybe I am feeling better about myself and haven't had the need to post anything, not sure. I have been taking herbal hormones as you all may know from reading previous posts I sometimes think I see things changing but am not really sure, I know I am really excited about the changes. Even if I think I see changes and they aren't happening yet, it still makes me feel good and that what counts.
My kids will be coming down in two weeks, I am so excited to see them, I love them so much. I know I am a little bias but they are the greatest kids in the world :)
February 23, 2006
Besides Evanesce and Feminal I am also taking Black cohosh which I just bought today so I can't comment too much on it. I ran out of the Evanesce and Feminal for about two weeks so I lost sometime there. I will post as I notice things happening. I did notice my hair falling out less, I am not sure if that was just my imagination or what, I will let you know.
Oh I am also taking some supplement I got from Wal-Mart can't remember the name though, some sort of female supplement.
January 12, 2006
Today I sent away for my hormones, they are all natural so they aren't as hard on your body as the synthetic drugs are. I don't remember if I put this in here before but I am seeing a V.A. doctor and I am speeding up the process. If I wait on her it will take till summer before I can start taking them. I don't have that long.
It is a herbal mixture from The Phoenix Project found at this site: http://www.myevanesce.com/
I can't wait to get them. I know it won't be anything fast but it will make me feel much better knowing that they are in there.
January 04, 2006
Wow it has been so long since I have written in here I almost forgot about it. I have been busy this season but I loved every minute of it. I took my children back on the 2nd I miss them already.
Nathan my middle one is having lots of trouble adjusting to being separated and Teresa doesn't seem to understand why. She ought to know him enough by now to realize that he has a very sensitive spirit, I think things like this really affect him more than others. O have been trying to tell her to get him to a counselor ( I am sure that is spelled wrong) but she is afraid of what they may say about her or what Nathan will tell them, that seems self-centered to me, his well-being is more important than her pride or whatever it is that may be hurt. I hope he will be ok, I'll be praying for him.
December 17, 2005
Well, I have been doing some research since I fell onto something on yahoo 360. I found that there are people who practice witchcraft, which I knew, but I found that there are a lot of people who are Christian witches and Christ-pagans, it seems oxymoronic at first glance but I don't think it is. I will leave it up to anyone who happens to read this to do thee own research if they want more information.
I now one thing the other Apostles like Peter didn't like the fact that Paul was teaching that as long as you accepted Jesus as a Savior and believe He rose again it really didn't matter if some of their Pagan beliefs were mixed in with Christianity. Some of the Apostles even believed that Gentiles should convert to Judaism first before one was able to convert to Christianity. Paul didn't see it that way which like I said got him a lot of criticism from other Christians.
December 12, 2005
Another thing I have been reading up on is the feminine in the Godhead or the absents of it. I think that the feminine form of God has been successfully covered up by the male dominated Catholic church at the time when the Canon was being put together. I believe it is just as appropriate to call our God Mother, just as we say Father. There are also those that think the Holy Spirit is actually the feminine side of the Godhead. I actually believe that one of Jesus’ favorite apostles was Mary Magdalene; I believe she was a lot more influential in Jesus’ ministry as any of the other apostles. Some people think if you look at the painting by DaVinci, The Last Supper, the person setting to the right of Jesus os in fact a female and is believed to be Mary Magdalene, did DaVinci know something that has been lost? He was one of the greatest minds of the Renaissance he was one the cutting edge of just about everything, from painting to architecture.
Just some things to think about.
December 12, 2005
It has been awhile since I have written in here, I have been doing lots of reading among other things. I have been reading a book called the Lost Christianities; it's about different books that for whatever reason didn't make it into the Canon. It makes one wonder how they pick and chose the scriptures that they put in. There are books that were written by apostles that never got in Mary Mother of Jesus, and Mary Magdalene. I know some they have believed to be frauds written by someone other than the people that signed it. But they also have evidence that some of the books that are in the Bible now are not authentic, but were mainly put in because of their content.
Supposedly there are 55+ books that didn't get in, does that really make these books less important because man decided not to have them included? Mark for instance is supposedly a condensed version of two other Marks that have been lost over time. The one Mark was the main book and the other Mark was for more spiritual or advanced Christians. I just find this stuff extremely interesting. Another thing I have found is that Paul went out of the other disciples teaching and taught that new Christians didn't have to become Jew to convert to Christianity. He started teaching that the only requirement was to believe that Jesus died for our sins, that He rose again and that He is the Son of God. He said that there were no bindings to the old Jewish laws that had to be kept. He even believed that it was Ok for new Christians to keep their Pagan ways as long as they followed the things that he said were important. If you take a look at Christians in say
December 03, 2005
I am having more and more trouble keeping her in, she wants so much to go out and let others see her. It’s all I can do to keep her inside. I am not ready for that yet. One day I will no longer be able to refrain from going out, if only I had a place to go now, free to be Rebekah and let her loose for a time.
Lord give me the strength to do your bidding, give me the wisdom to do and see your will, thank you Lord.
Even doing the little things like wear womens jeans, that is not going to be enough anymore. I want to be fully female and not this half-#@$ stuff.
None of this is going fast enough, help me Lord.
November 28, 2005
I took my kids back yesterday, it is soooo sad taking them back I hate it. Nathan was crying, poor guy, Beth cried the night before. While I was there Teresa was crying, she said she hates the way things have turned out, among other things, I feel sorry for her, I wish I wouldn't have brought her into all this. But I wouldn't trade the time I have had with her and my kids.
On another note I was working last night and we had a lady die on our ward, that is so sad seeing that. She was fine the week before; I can't believe how fast she went down hill.
November 18, 2005
I got some great news today, I get my kids this weekend instead of next Wednesday. I can't wait to go down to get them, Thank you Lord for them. Teresa and I actually talked today on the phone and we were laughing, I couldn't believe it. I will always love her.
I don't know when I'll post again since my kids will be here I'll probably be to busy.
See you all.
November 14, 2005
Just when I start to feel better she has a way of finding out what is needed to drag me back down. How does she do it? I know she thinks she has the kids’ best interests at heart, that’s why she got pregnant before we are even divorced. I mean the kids have to learn how to procreate right? The human race must go on, that’s a job she doesn't take lying down, well maybe she does.
November 14, 2005
Now I am second guessing my desire to get on hormones. I really am worried about alienating my son, I love them all so much. But I can't go through the rest of my life being unhappy, I know people sacrifice a lot for their kids, my wife says I don't sacrifice much for them, she however does, yeah right.
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