September 02, 2005

September 02, 2005

I am feeling better today, I have to get up early tomorrow, I have to be at work at 6:30, As long as I can get to sleep tonight I should be ok. I have trouble getting to sleep most of the time, I have to stay up until I fall right to sleep, if I just go to bed because it's time I usually lay and cry.

I cry for different reasons, it's usually a build up, I cry because of loosing my family, having to deal with my being female inside and stuck in this body. Becky says I should be happy with the body God gave me, I tried that for 35 years, I tried accepting or fitting the role of a husband and a father, I would still be doing that if Teresa wouldn't have left. I am in no way disappointed in my life I have loved these past 16 years with my wife and kids, I wish it were still that way... well sometimes, other times I am happy to be set free finally. I still am a little hesitant about going full public but I do a little bit.

Becky says if I see myself as a woman it shouldn't matter what other people think, I wish it were that easy for me. I know people would be uncomfortable with me and that bothers me, I wish it didn't but it does.

Well I have to get to bed, I am getting tired.