October 23, 2006

October 23, 2006

I watched a show on WE.TV or women entertainment television. They had a program about women who were married to crossdressers, I knew I shouldn't have watched it but I did anyway. I started crying almost as soon as the show started, all the people they talked with stayed together and seemed to be very happy with each other.

I used to consider myself as a crossdresser when I was married but after my wife left I realized I was more than that, just dressing up wasn't going to be enough. The old feelings returned that I was in the wrong body emerged again and this time I was going to do something about it.

Seeing these wives and girlfriends accept the people they love was amazing to me, my wife never came close to accepting me and made it clear that I was a freak and a sinner. It makes me wonder if I would have been with a women who would have accepted me just dressing up would I have been content with that or eventually would I have wanted more, like I am pursuing now?

I was so in love with her that I would do anything for her, I just couldn't control the thing that she wanted me too, crossdressing. In her eyes I didn't love her enough to stop, that couldn't be farther from the truth, I loved her more than my life.

I know she loved everything about me, she just couldn't get by the dressing, even though she never seen me dressed, she just knew it was there. Please don't think I am bashing my wife because that is not my intentions, I love her still more than anything and would still give my life for her.

I believe in her non-acceptance she is missing out on a great spouse, I know I wasn't the great Mr. fix-it, I wasn't overly macho, thank God. But I am a great father, I was always there for my kids, I would play with them, I disciplined them, I helped with their school work, I loved them, regardless. I consider myself compassionate, romantic, loving, and loyal, if she would have let Rebekah be more open she would have been over-whelmed with what I had to offer.

I hope nobody thinks I am patting my own back, I have spent a majority of my life since she left beating myself up. I have to find something I can be proud of, that I didn't fail her, she failed herself by not being accepting of me and loving me.

Thanks for listening :)