August 21, 2005

August 21, 2005

To Teresa;

I am not sure why I wanted to write this to you, it’s just making me cry. I have been upset ever since you told me you were pregnant, even though I knew you already were, God told me a couple of weeks before that so I had been preparing myself for it, even though it didn’t seem to do any good. I would hate to see what it would be like if I wouldn’t have been ready for it.

I have a confession to make and seek your forgiveness, I have been very mad at you since you have told me and I have been saying things about you to myself that I regret now, please forgive me, I told myself I would never call you names even to myself I am so sorry. I pray that you and the baby are safe and happy with your life. I am sorry but I never want to be introduced to your “friend”, I am sure I never want to talk to him. He seems like a “great” guy but no thanks. Forgive me if this seems harsh or rude, I am not in a cordial mood, sorry.

I also wanted to thank you for letting Rebekah out I have kept that part of me hidden for so long it feels good to flow in it thanks. I have told about 20 people so far, and everyone has been very supportive and understanding, well except for one. Despite loosing my love I feel great. Well almost I do cry a lot, I seem to be falling back into depression, not that I was ever out or anything.

I know you will always know this but I will always love you no matter what you do, I know that doesn’t matter to you but it’s the truth. I never want to date anyone again, who would have me anyway lol. I mean I have had people ask me out for a drink but I always turn them down. I can’t even take my ring off, I tried going to Cleveland last week and started crying, why, why can’t I take it off? Why do I have to be so damn soft? Anybody else can do this stuff and go on, but noooo, not me I have to linger in it so it rips me apart.

I am coming to pick them up today for Christmas, I love them so much. I will never stop thinking of our life together, I know you think it was bad, but that’s not the way I see it, I loved every moment of it.

You know hon, I still call you that isn’t that sad? I would still take you back even with that child from your “friend”, he will never be the friend I was too you, I pray that you are happy with the path you have chosen. I am mad for the path you have chosen for our kids, You went against everything that you have ever believe in, I am utterly surprised, you hold me to a higher standard than you do for yourself. That’s why I believe that you just used me as a place to put the blame because you were tired of being married and wanted to party and have sex with everyone you meet. In a bar, that’s really sad, I would have never thought that in a million years. Then you said the other day that I surprise you, that’s the craziest thing I have ever heard, after what you have done and I surprise you, amazing.

I know you never will agree with this, but that’s tough, but I believe God took you out of my life because you would not let this part of me flow, I actually found a verse in the bible that says something about my situation, and says that people just need to deal with it. Jesus, recognized people like me and they were even accepted as a part of life, He even said people are born this way. I am sorry I brought you into this. But I don’t regret any of it, I would do it again to get to know you and our kids. I really blamed myself for a long time for my situation, but now realize that there is nothing I can do about it except put it into God’s hands and let Him and the Holy Spirit guide me, and use me in whatever way He needs too.

I am not concerned about what I put in this because the only way you will ever see this is if I am dead and you happen to look at my documents that I have written. If that is the case, I want you to know, I love you, you are a great person no matter what you think, you are a beautiful lady, please remember God, please don’t leave Him, He loves you.