November 13, 2004
I have always felt I was a girl inside, why? What in the world would cause someone to want to be the opposite sex? Not just be but think they are. It doesn’t make sense. I was born with a male body my mind is what doesn’t make sense. Yes, on somethings I do act male, is that because I spent 35 years covering up my real identity? I had not let any of my true-self out; I just adopted the lie of my outward appearance. Plus the rest of society doesn’t accept people like me and if they do it’s as freaks or just for curiosity.
Elementary years
I remember always sitting in class or just playing outside at recess, I loved the things girls did, but I was never brave enough to join in. I mean boys aren’t supposed to like girl’s games, whether it was hopscotch or jump rope, whatever. I always felt envious of them, how lucky could they be to be born as female. Look what everyone sees me as, a boy, yuck, why did I have to get stuck as a boy?
I would often pray I would wakeup as a girl or wish I was a girl. But as we all know that never happened, I am still stuck in my male form, which I despise. I would often have dreams I was a girl, I loved those. I know no one really knows what dreams are. Are they just your mind showing or acting on what is bothering you? Or could it be something else, is your mind showing you things that are desires, or both. Do they mean anything?
I have seen other people say they never had many male friends growing up, I find my case to be totally opposite of this. I don’t remember having many female friends. I wonder why that is. I think one reason maybe I have always been afraid of myself, as far as always thinking I was female. I think this caused me to do things that were totally opposite of the way I felt. I was always in constant conflict with this side of me, trying to keep it hidden. If I would have became friends with a girl that might have left it out in the open. Not only becoming friends with them but also playing or doing things that girls do, in public anyway.
My dad used to have a CB; I think they were pretty big back then. When ever he would go into a store and leave me in the car I would sometimes mess around on it. One day I was messing around on it and someone came on and called me little lady. When I heard that my first reaction was embarrassment, then I felt happy that he thought I was a girl, nobody I had ever called me a girl before, well I mean not in a mean way. Sometimes people at school would, it doesn’t feel as good when it’s meant for hurt rather than a compliment or a title. I have also been mistaken on the phone as a girl, I loved it.
My teen years
Here is where things get interesting, not that they weren’t already just I can remember more of the things that I did and thought. This is the time I was starting to get left at home alone, oh, talking about heaven. I could dress the way I wanted and not be hampered by what everyone else thought of me, I was free, well sort of. I was still stuck in the wrong body, the curse some of us have to deal with. I did have some clothes of my own; I had stolen them, that was the only was I could see getting anything like that. I couldn’t ask my parents for them that would not go over real well. I tried hiding them around the house but my mom found them on occasion and throw them out; darn, does she know how much trouble it was to get these things. She would confront me on occasion. I remember one time she was driving in her car and she asked me if I want people to call me a queer, um… no who would want that. I do want them calling me a girl though. I didn’t see that but that’s what I thought. I remained quiet through her interrogation. I feel sorry for her she was only trying to deal with this the best she could, she didn’t understand what I was going through, nobody could.
A large part of my teen years was spent on shoplifting. Of course I stole clothes but I also stole CD’s, headphones, shoes you name it. I am not bragging just letting anyone who may read this thing. I have done and gone through. I did start to think of myself as being pretty good, I mean I was a boy that could go into a women’s section and come out with clothes and not get caught. The only time I ever got caught was when I was up at Gold Circle in Canton. Joe and Scott were with me, and I was getting a CD for Joe, and I actually did steal some ear rings for Scott’s girlfriend. Well everything appeared to be going smoothly until I tried exiting the building. A security guard put his hand on my shoulder and said “Gold Circle security come with me, please.” Well I had all sorts of thoughts go through my head pushing him and running, but I didn’t. I went back and they were talking to me, they called my parents and I waited there for them to arrive. Well, the one thing that really stands out to me when they arrived is Mom, she was crying. I felt terrible; she said why didn’t you ask us for money, we would have given it to you. I know that put a stop to it for a little while, that and the fact that I turned 18 shortly after.
I remember one time when I was left at home I put my sisters’ dress on and washed dishes, I loved it. Why? I don’t know. Why did I like putting on feminine things? Why do I think I am a girl? Nothing makes much more since no than it did then.
One thing I always loved doing growing up was sleeping on top of the heating vents. We had gas heat and they were so warm, you could always tell when it was starting. I t made a rumbling sound as it warmed up, brings back some memories. Anyway one time I fell asleep on it with some pantyhose on. I remember mom waking me up and I panicked and ran back to my room with the hose on. Not knowing if Mom noticed or not, she never said anything. The other thing about this is I could never really tell if this was a dream or an actual event. It seems like a dream, but seems like a stupid dream, it doesn’t make sense.
D&D
One thing that was introduced to me that really helped me at least help my fantasy of being female was D&D. I could play a female and no one ever really said anything. My favorite character was Sheena; I got that name from a movie that came out by the same name. In the movie she was a beautiful Amazonian type woman. The Sheena I played was not Amazonian, she was beautiful though. She had red hair and a very high dexterity. I loved playing her because she was able to sneak around and steal things. I think I played her because of the way I always snuck around, it seamed comfortable, and she was a lot better at it than I was. When I didn’t play with my friends with her, I would play her by myself. She had a hideout in the city of Lankhmar. She was a rogue thief, she went against the thieves’ guild, plus they didn’t take females. I wouldn’t have joined anyway, why would I she was so much better than the rest. In her hideout she had an elaborate trap system guarding the entrance and a pet panther which she had trained as a kitten. I also went and itemized all her clothes. Why? I don’t now, I loved it. I even had them down to the colors. I loved playing her.
